people also search for

Hey, I can't do the introduction tonight.

Content warning for depression and such.

If you imagine your head hurting, suddenly it will. 

Do you ever meet someone and immediately imagine what it would be like to marry them? Do you ever do that with people you’ve never met?

My problem is that I open my heart up wide enough to let in all the cold air. My problem is that I am more comfortable in the cold than in the warmth.

Here’s my problem:

I met a girl at a party and I imagined us together in five years. I met a boy on Hinge and I imagined meeting his parents and him meeting mine. I can fall for someone even if I can count the number of things I know about them on one hand. How do I keep letting this happen? He asked, “is this your way of asking me out?” and right there I almost died. 

I met a guy and we planned a date, but he canceled because he said he is still trying to figure out his sexuality. I tried to fight a bouncer later that night. Why do I always try to fight bouncers? Because I know I can’t win. It’s not a fight.

Do you know how difficult it is to describe something that never happened? Do you know how difficult it is to describe pain caused by nothing where you think there should have been something? There it isn’t.

What do you do when you have nowhere to turn? I usually turn on my phone. Over the past decade I’ve grown to resist thinking. If I feel a thought forming, I turn on my phone and fill my mind with static. I can’t do quiet and I can’t do loud. I need someone to talk to me all hours of the day and night. 

Here’s my problem:

I am stuck in forms. I am stuck in reflections and it’s all a trick of the light. I’m not from here, I’m just visiting. What I see are shadows cast by objects and the shadows are getting longer as the light gets darker. I am not running out of time, time is running out of me. The string pulling me forwards is not a string at all and I’m not going forwards. The string is my tail and I’m running in circles. Cook, eat, do dishes. Wake up, sleep, wake up. The only thing I can truly look forward to is the one thing I have yet to experience: the opposite of everything, or rather the existence of nothing or the nonexistence of everything.

What I mean is that I am caught up in imagination. I am five impossible steps ahead of right now at all times.

I spend my weekdays being told how to conceptualize god by men with degrees. They cite men with degrees who cite Nazis who cite men who were burned to death for heresy. The truth is that the game is ending. The paint is all peeling. We were born into this nonconsensual collective consciousness. One of my professors asked, “Are we still in the Romantic Era?” I said “No, because we do not have the liberty to romanticize anymore.” Everyone seemed to disagree and I do too, but what I think I meant is that the moment we romanticize something it becomes a product, or rather maybe the only way to romanticize something is to see it as a product. 

My prose is one long apology and for that I am sorry. I know this is a mess and for that I am sorry. There’s not a thing in the world that could possibly help me now.

I had another needle dream. I don’t use drugs because it would make you sad.

I’m so scared of losing you, I am. My sister texted my family group chat a few days ago asking for a psychiatrist’s phone number. I panicked and called her a dozen times and texted her boyfriend. All she wanted was to refer a friend. If you call me I suspect you are dying. I’m made of aluminum foil I swear to god I am. I am the kindling and I am the fire and I am the starter and the first spark and the friction. I’m the warmth and the smoke and the cold too. I am all these things (I am the issue). When my heart is in pain I like to exhale and see just how deep that pain can go.

We expect the world to change around us. The Red Sea never split, they had to swim. Stop giving credit to god. If he exists at all, he’s asleep. He made the heavens and the Earth, I’ll give him that, but the rest is on us I swear. 

I watch gay movies and try to cry. 

I saw an old man by Beaver Lake. He said, “I make friends with dead people.”

I’m sitting on the yellow couch we got for free and my mind is spinning. I mean really spinning. I was talking with a friend and I realized what a curse it must be to know me. You watch me run. You watch me run the hamster wheel for forever. I just can’t stop myself. I swear to god I just realized that everything I do is out of obsession. I hate the term “spiraling”. I’m not spiraling, I’m spinning. I am so dizzy. I promise I love you, I just can’t hear you. I write about the same things over and over again and I can only imagine how tiring it must be to read it all. Imagine how it is in my brain. It’s just a Jumbotron displaying “EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED IS BEHIND YOU.” Maybe not behind me. It is definitely impossible though. I told my friend I just want everything to be perfect all the time and they asked, “what would your life be like if it was perfect?”

I think this is the first time in a long time where I have really felt no need to exist at all. I am so sorry.

What I need is to be alone for forever. If a tree falls in the forest, etc.. Let me crash. Single car accident.

If you are worried about me you’re wasting your time and I mean it. 

I am safe.